A Shamanic Journey to the Source of my Strength<\/h2>\n
<\/p>\n
Who knows?<\/h3>\n
One dif\u00adfe\u00adrent exit, and my life may have taken a com\u00adple\u00adte\u00adly dif\u00adfe\u00adrent cour\u00adse. When I think of how ever\u00ady\u00adthing began, the gre\u00adat adven\u00adture that has beco\u00adme my life, still seems fan\u00adta\u00adstic to me.<\/p>\n
Every time I pass by the high wall of the psych\u00adia\u00adtric hos\u00adpi\u00adtal, I shud\u00adder. This exit could have been mine. That white gate would then have mark\u00aded the bor\u00adder of my uni\u00adver\u00adse. Ins\u00adtead I crossed the bor\u00adder to an ama\u00adzing new world full of mar\u00advel and mirth.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
An empty apartment and an empty book<\/h3>\n
Christ\u00admas. What luna\u00adcy! What is it that still draws me to the\u00adse Christ\u00admas-mar\u00adkets? A cup of punch that warms my fin\u00adgers only to burn my ton\u00adgue a minu\u00adte later? Loo\u00adking into the bright eyes of litt\u00adle boys and girls who can\u00adnot wait to drown in heaps of toys that have lost their lure the very next mor\u00adning? Do I real\u00adly like to be pushed asi\u00adde by worn out job-and-kids-mothers for who all this is serious busi\u00adness? Or to watch stres\u00adsed out sin\u00adgle moms desti\u00adned to fail the cle\u00adver\u00adly mani\u00adpu\u00adla\u00adted expec\u00adta\u00adti\u00adons of their young ones?<\/p>\n
It seems that Christ\u00admas actual\u00adly ter\u00adro\u00adri\u00adzes me half of the year. I lite\u00adral\u00adly shriek, when in Octo\u00adber I see the first father Christ\u00admas climb up the faca\u00adde of some face\u00adl\u00adess mall. How does a fat tum\u00admy like that allow such extra\u00adva\u00adgan\u00adce in the first place? I couldn\u2019t do it, and I\u2019m not near\u00adly as fat! And in Febru\u00adary, when I just thought I\u2019d final\u00adly made it through the \u2018fes\u00adti\u00adve sea\u00adson\u2019, I pass by one of tho\u00adse fero\u00adcious\u00adly blin\u00adking Christ\u00admas-stars still clinging to the odd grey wall of sub\u00adur\u00adbia. I would con\u00adfis\u00adca\u00adte tho\u00adse, if I was half as good at clim\u00adbing faca\u00addes as the fat father Christmases.<\/p>\n
But the sad truth is: I am once again try\u00ading to escape my emp\u00adty apart\u00adment. Com\u00adpared to all the spar\u00adk\u00adling bling-bling around me, the rooms the\u00adre seem even barer, after Richard moved out. That is my only reason for being here. While I wait for my punch to cool, I watch a cou\u00adple kis\u00adsing and fee\u00adding each other with an oily Brat\u00adwurst. Hor\u00adri\u00adfied, I dis\u00adcard my punch \u2014 it is much too sweet any\u00adway \u2014 and run, only to be washed against a stand full of beau\u00adtiful books. As I careful\u00adly open one of them, all I find is emp\u00adty pages. What a dis\u00adap\u00adpoint\u00adment! But then again, how well this matches all the emp\u00adty glit\u00adter around me. I am about to lea\u00adve, when I catch the bemu\u00adsed smi\u00adle of the ven\u00addor of tho\u00adse books: a grum\u00adpy old man pre\u00adten\u00adding not to be inte\u00adres\u00adted in sel\u00adling his ware. May\u00adbe he is as appal\u00adled by this cir\u00adcus as I am, but at least he has a reason to be here!<\/p>\n
What is a dia\u00adry? Not\u00adhing but a bund\u00adle of emp\u00adty white pages; inti\u00admi\u00adda\u00adtingly many emp\u00adty white pages in this case, and artful\u00adly bound tog\u00ade\u00adther. You can\u00adnot just scribb\u00adle any\u00adthing insi\u00adde that cros\u00adses your mind, it seems, but only well-struc\u00adtu\u00adred, careful\u00adly pen\u00adned ide\u00adas. No place for frag\u00adments, dreams, and sen\u00adti\u00admen\u00adta\u00adli\u00adties, and most cer\u00adtain\u00adly no place for all the self-pity I tor\u00adtu\u00adre my fri\u00adends with sin\u00adce Richard left. On the other hand: Paper is pati\u00adent, so they say, which is quite the oppo\u00adsi\u00adte of mys\u00adelf. Pati\u00adence is defi\u00adni\u00adte\u00adly not one of my vir\u00adtu\u00ades. May\u00adbe some kind of self-reflec\u00adtion would do me good, reli\u00ade\u00adve my fri\u00adends of their hard duty and per\u00adhaps even speed up the mour\u00adning-pro\u00adcess a bit? With this in mind, I purcha\u00adse one of tho\u00adse beau\u00adtiful, hun\u00adgry dia\u00adry-mons\u00adters. I should start right away, befo\u00adre my respect grows infinitely.<\/p>\n
(\u2026)<\/p>\n
Richard left on the day we had plan\u00adned to get mar\u00adried. I was war\u00adned though: Hadn\u2019t he post\u00adpo\u00adned the wed\u00adding over again \u2014 for the most plau\u00adsi\u00adble reasons? Yet I felt so safe being enga\u00adged and having, the two of us, just cudd\u00adled into our new\u00adly fur\u00adnis\u00adhed nest tog\u00ade\u00adther. One mor\u00adning at the break\u00adfast-table, he said that he had met someone. When it does hap\u00adpen, it\u2019s that simp\u00adle \u2014 and that banal. And incre\u00addi\u00adbly sad. First I thought he was joking. When he con\u00adfirm\u00aded that he wasn\u2019t, I was sho\u00adcked. Then I began to argue, bla\u00adming him for all sorts of things, most of all for his bad timing. But could the\u00adre pos\u00adsi\u00adbly be a \u2018right timing\u2019 for such a reve\u00adla\u00adti\u00adon? All the time during my fit, he remain\u00aded calm, almost sym\u00adpa\u00adthe\u00adtic. I was right, and he alo\u00adne was to bla\u00adme. I can\u00adnot even hate him for what he did to me. I know all too well how it feels, when you stop loving someone who once meant the world to you. When you have no choice but to lea\u00adve and hurt that someone to the core. But so far I had only expe\u00adri\u00aden\u00adced the other side, being the one who lea\u00adves, not the one who is left. I am still under shock. For the first time in my 37 years, I feel dis\u00adcard\u00aded, ugly and old. And I feel asha\u00admed. Asha\u00admed for still loving him so much, and asha\u00admed of not having loved the others enough to spa\u00adre them this experience.<\/p>\n
Coming home from work I dread the quiet evenings. I roam the emp\u00adty apart\u00adment aim\u00adless and blind like an ani\u00admal in a cage. The sound of my feet echo through the de-fur\u00adnis\u00adhed rooms that have beco\u00adme the ruins of my dreams. My bed still feels cold after hours of hea\u00advy duty by my elec\u00adtric blan\u00adket. My fri\u00addge is always full of things I used to like and now just don\u2019t fan\u00adcy, until they rot. My fri\u00adends\u2019 enthu\u00adsi\u00adasm for brigh\u00adtening me up is slow\u00adly and under\u00adstan\u00add\u00ada\u00adb\u00adly fading. \u201cYou have to get out. Go meet peo\u00adp\u00adle. Dance!\u201d they tell me. But I do! Like today on the Christ\u00admas-mar\u00adket. Even when I mana\u00adge to con\u00advin\u00adce mys\u00adelf and go out for a Milon\u00adga (Tan\u00adgo ist the only music melan\u00adcho\u00adlic enough for me to bear), it feels like I\u2019m trap\u00adped in a bubble through which no hap\u00adpi\u00adness can per\u00adpe\u00adtra\u00adte. As if the air I am breathing is hea\u00advier than out\u00adside the bubble.<\/p>\n
A cou\u00adple of days ago, on my way home from dancing, I left my hand in the door of the cab, when the dri\u00adver slam\u00admed it. Two fin\u00adgers were bro\u00adken. It hurt beast\u00adly. Tears pou\u00adred out of me like a water\u00adfall. Sin\u00adce that night, I haven\u2018t stop\u00adped crying. I don\u2019t care what my col\u00adle\u00adagues think, when I sit in a mee\u00adting, tears run\u00adning down my face. I hard\u00adly noti\u00adce, apart from the wet swea\u00adter round my neck and the mixed fee\u00adlings of tho\u00adse next to me. What a reli\u00adef! Lite\u00adral\u00adly libe\u00adra\u00adting! Like a flood washing away my memo\u00adries and cares. If anyo\u00adne had fore\u00adtold me the sca\u00adle of the libe\u00adra\u00adti\u00adon yet to come, I cer\u00adtain\u00adly wouldn\u2019t have belie\u00adved it.<\/p>\n
My hand is start\u00ading to heal, and my col\u00adle\u00adagues are pro\u00adba\u00adb\u00adly right: I should take a cou\u00adple of days off and lea\u00adve the city. But whe\u00adre shall I go? A last minu\u00adte packa\u00adge-tour with hap\u00adpy cou\u00adples and fami\u00adlies by the pool? No way! A sin\u00adgle-club with fero\u00adcious\u00adly ani\u00adma\u00adted left-overs (like mys\u00adelf) and despe\u00adra\u00adti\u00adon spre\u00ada\u00adding like a virus? My idea of a night\u00adma\u00adre! No, I want to go some place, whe\u00adre I can be licking my wounds in iso\u00adla\u00adti\u00adon, not intru\u00adding on others with my self-pity and my jea\u00adlou\u00adsy. Fin\u00adland might be a pos\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty. In the loneli\u00adne\u00adss of the woods and lakes, I may no lon\u00adger feel like the left-over half of a couple.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Finland<\/h3>\n
I did it! I ren\u00adted a cabin by a lake near the polar-cir\u00adcle. The only prio\u00adri\u00adty-box I ticked: \u201cGrea\u00adtest pos\u00adsi\u00adble distance to next neigh\u00adbor\u201d. A doll-house will do, as long as it is for one sin\u00adgle per\u00adson. The smal\u00adler the bet\u00adter. My search pro\u00addu\u00adced not only the lone\u00adliest, but also the che\u00ada\u00adpest place available. Fine with me!<\/p>\n
Sit\u00adting here by the lake, I recoll\u00adect my Fin\u00adland-trip so far: It star\u00adted with a Tan\u00adgo-expe\u00adri\u00adence. The fins are hard\u00adly less cra\u00adzy about Tan\u00adgo than the Argen\u00adti\u00adnes. In the small town of Seina\u00adjo\u00adki There\u2019s a Tan\u00adgo-Fes\u00adti\u00adval, that is unpar\u00adal\u00adle\u00adled. Once a year the who\u00adle town is con\u00adver\u00adted into a dance-flo\u00ador, inclu\u00adding the sur\u00adroun\u00adding swamps, which they \u2018pave\u2019 with wood. ![\"Digital](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/DieWei\u00dfeRabin_1-300x225.jpg\")
The avera\u00adge Fin\u00adnish Tan\u00adgo-nerd is way past his (or her) prime, and not\u00adhing other than Fin\u00adnish is spo\u00adken; a lan\u00adguage with no clues for other Euro\u00adpeans as to what it means. How absurd (and good!) for me to be here. I didn\u2019t come here for con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adti\u00adon any\u00adway. So, lack\u00ading other means of com\u00admu\u00adni\u00adca\u00adti\u00adon, I smi\u00adled until every mus\u00adcle in my face hurt and for\u00adgot my sad\u00adness for the first time. Then I bought food for ten days, took a coach, then ano\u00adther, and again ano\u00adther, and got off at a vil\u00adla\u00adge con\u00adsis\u00adting only of three hou\u00adses and a petrol sta\u00adti\u00adon. A fri\u00adend\u00adly old man was wai\u00adting for me at the bus stop. While he stee\u00adred his car over end\u00adless dirt-roads, he recoll\u00adec\u00adted every name of Ger\u00adman soc\u00adcer-play\u00aders he could think of. He knew quite a few. I don\u2019t know a sin\u00adgle one. End of conversation.<\/p>\n
The first night is short. This is only part\u00adly due to the nar\u00adrow bed and the rag\u00adged mos\u00adqui\u00adto-net. It\u2019s the light. The night is just one long, pink-colo\u00adred dawn, then the sun is back, relent\u00adless\u00adly spee\u00adding towards zenith. Sin\u00adce sun\u00adri\u00adse \u2013 around three in the mor\u00adning \u2013 I have been sit\u00adting on the woo\u00adden bench that is posi\u00adtio\u00adned on the lake-ter\u00adrace. The house is only a cou\u00adple of yards away from the water. The lake seems huge. I can hard\u00adly make out the other side with its thic\u00adk\u00adly fores\u00adted shore\u00adli\u00adne. On the table in front of me is a pot of tea, fresh from the gas-coo\u00adker. The tiny cabin is facing north-east and even boasts a litt\u00adle sau\u00adna. To the Fins, this seems almost as important as the house its\u00adelf. The forest beg\u00adins right behind the cabin. Soon the sun will have rea\u00adched the trees. The shadow they offer will pro\u00adba\u00adb\u00adly be more than wel\u00adco\u00adme, as the mor\u00adning-sun is alre\u00ada\u00addy hot. I came out here into the pink mor\u00adning-mist, wea\u00adring thick trou\u00adsers and an ano\u00adrak. Sin\u00adce then, I have been thro\u00adwing off lay\u00ader after lay\u00ader, until the\u00adre was no more to strip. So this is whe\u00adre I intend to find my way back into life. But on the other hand: Wit\u00adhout a good por\u00adti\u00adon of resi\u00adli\u00adence, I wouldn\u2019t be here at all.<\/p>\n
![\"Digital](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/DieWei\u00dfeRabin_2-300x225.jpg\")
I have tried fishing. The sun has long left this side, so I took the boat that I found under the birch-trees and rowed out onto the lake. I found a basic fishing-rod behind the cabin next to the out\u00adhouse. And there\u2019s an abun\u00addance of worms. For two hours I have been try\u00ading to catch a fish, but when\u00adever I pull back the line, there\u2019s not\u00adhing on it, not even the worm. They seem to be more cle\u00adver than I thought, bas\u00adtards! So while I go on fee\u00adding the fish, my diet will pro\u00adba\u00adb\u00adly remain vege\u00adta\u00adri\u00adan. At least the sau\u00adna is easy to hand\u00adle. The\u00adre is ple\u00adnty of wood alre\u00ada\u00addy chop\u00adped (Thank you, old man!), so the\u00adre will be a sau\u00adna-par\u00adty for me tonight! I can\u2019t wait to get into the steam\u00ading lake after the Sau\u00adna. Ever\u00ady\u00adthing here is so won\u00adderful\u00adly simp\u00adle. No elec\u00adtri\u00adci\u00adty, no run\u00adning water. I begin to rea\u00adli\u00adze how much unneces\u00adsa\u00adry luxu\u00adry still sur\u00adrounds me at home in my emp\u00adty apart\u00adment. I deci\u00adde to take care of that as soon as I come home. And as I wri\u00adte this, a but\u00adter\u00adfly sett\u00adles on the oppo\u00adsi\u00adte page of my dia\u00adry. I cer\u00adtain\u00adly found the right place!<\/p>\n
The silence here is breath\u00adta\u00adking. It drowns me like a soft, warm fur-coat. No wild\u00adly chi\u00adming church-bells, no dogs, or horns, or lawn-mowers on a Satur\u00adday-mor\u00adning. The only noi\u00adses come from the birds and insects. I have made an arran\u00adge\u00adment with the mos\u00adqui\u00adtos and the hor\u00adse-flies. ![\"Digital](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/PICT0325-300x225.jpg\")
I asked them to spa\u00adre me when I\u2019m on my lake-ter\u00adrace. And they real\u00adly try, though only to attack me even more fero\u00adcious\u00adly on the short path from the lake to the house. This alo\u00adne should ren\u00adder any excur\u00adsi\u00adon into the woods impos\u00adsi\u00adble. Bey\u00adond the dirt-road, that leads to the house, the forest seems impene\u00adtra\u00adble, and tho\u00adse litt\u00adle vam\u00adpi\u00adres suck the last drop of blood from you. For the same reason, I refrain from coll\u00adec\u00adting my drin\u00adking-water from the source, my host show\u00aded me upon my arri\u00adval. I pre\u00adfer to drink direct\u00adly from the lake, just lea\u00adving my mouth open, while swimming.<\/p>\n
To my ama\u00adze\u00adment, I read very litt\u00adle. I sim\u00adply refu\u00adse to feel pres\u00adsu\u00adred by the amount of books I brought here. They can rot on the shelf, for all I care! Ins\u00adtead, I sleep or just sta\u00adre into this unworld\u00adly light. Uni\u00adma\u00adgi\u00adnable anyo\u00adne could get bored in such sur\u00adroun\u00addings. Not with this light, the tasty air and the sound of a silence, that isn\u2019t quite as silent as it first see\u00admed, once you begin to under\u00adstand its lan\u00adguage. It\u2019s the night that is most varied and beau\u00adtiful; much too beau\u00adtiful to miss: One end\u00adless dawn, full of stran\u00adge noi\u00adses and chan\u00adging colors. So the only sleep I get is around noon.<\/p>\n
Last night I must have fal\u00adlen asleep on my bench, alt\u00adhough I had plan\u00adned to take in every minu\u00adte of the full moon glo\u00adry. I woke up from a stran\u00adge, yet vibrant dream: The\u00adre was a big white polar-wolf wat\u00adching me intent\u00adly from his yel\u00adlow eyes, and then gent\u00adly tou\u00adch\u00ading my fore\u00adhead. Next he rub\u00adbed his nose against my cheek and stro\u00adked my arm with his paw. He pres\u00adsed so hard against my back, I could feel every hair on his breast. Final\u00adly I sur\u00adren\u00adde\u00adred into the embrace, cuddling into his soft, white fur. What a love\u00adly dream! Am I real\u00adly that needy?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The strangest light<\/h3>\n
What an awk\u00adward day. The mil\u00adky light is irri\u00adta\u00adtingly dif\u00adfu\u00adsed, and the litt\u00adle vam\u00adpi\u00adres are even more aggres\u00adsi\u00adve than usu\u00adal. Today they have deci\u00added to igno\u00adre our arran\u00adge\u00adment. Even the crows sound ner\u00advous today. Just as I sett\u00adle down with my dia\u00adry, I hear an uncan\u00adny crack\u00adling abo\u00adve my head. Instant\u00adly I find mys\u00adelf shel\u00adled by three huge pine\u00adco\u00adnes, that hit the ground right next to my head. I under\u00adstand that this is no day for wri\u00adting or dozing. Once more I feel unwan\u00adted and dis\u00adpel\u00adled. Memo\u00adries of Richard and our sepa\u00adra\u00adti\u00adon sur\u00adface my mind. No one wants me, not even natu\u00adre is wil\u00adling to put up with me. So there\u2019s my self-pity again. And I had almost for\u00adgot\u00adten about it. Despi\u00adte the mos\u00adqui\u00adtos and hor\u00adse-flies, I deci\u00adde to go for a walk. May\u00adbe this will brigh\u00adten me up or at least dis\u00adtract me. The\u00adre must me some path through the forest. I deci\u00adde to take the axe from the shed with me, just in case. I haven\u2019t met anyo\u00adne sin\u00adce my host left me here. But that was what I wan\u00adted, wasn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n
The forest starts behind the deser\u00adted dirt-road and the lupi\u00adne-fields. I head for the iso\u00adla\u00adte grey hill that seems to grow out of the forest in the hazy distance. I am glad, when I final\u00adly reach the forest and escape the sun. Clouds of mos\u00adqui\u00adtos are my only com\u00adpa\u00adn\u00adions, as I axe my way through the forest. Their con\u00adstant hum\u00adming makes me mad. I don\u2019t know, if I am try\u00ading to run away from them or from my thoughts. I hard\u00adly feel their bites. They have beco\u00adme like a second skin. They itch far less than at home, may\u00adbe becau\u00adse their habi\u00adtat is less poisonous.<\/p>\n
At last I find a hint of a path through the under\u00adgrowth. It leads straight to the foot of the grey moun\u00adtain. I start to climb up the steep rock on all fours, using trees to help pull mys\u00adelf up. The clim\u00adbing dis\u00adtracts me, so this part of my plan works. Near the sum\u00admit, the\u00adre are no more trees left. Here the hill is less steep and easier to climb. At the top I am reward\u00aded with a breath\u00adta\u00adking view. Map\u00adped out befo\u00adre me is a land\u00adscape of lakes and forests, devo\u00adid of any trace of human civi\u00adliza\u00adti\u00adon. To my sur\u00adpri\u00adse, I find mys\u00adelf on a pen\u00adin\u00adsu\u00adla in the midd\u00adle of a huge lake of which the hill, I am stan\u00adding on, is the hig\u00adhest peak. The Lupi\u00adne-field and the dirt-road are the only way out. Down below, in the thick forest, I can see ano\u00adther small lake. It is com\u00adple\u00adte\u00adly black and very dif\u00adfe\u00adrent from the blue sur\u00adroun\u00adding lake. It looks like a black eye in the head of a cyclop. I feel drawn to it. I don\u2019t know, whe\u00adther I can make it down the slo\u00adpe of the rock and through the thick forest down to the lake, but I will try!<\/p>\n
With my axe, I fight my way through the forest and clouds of mos\u00adqui\u00adtos to the swam\u00adpy bank of the litt\u00adle lake. It is so black that it is impos\u00adsi\u00adble to tell its depth. Wit\u00adhout thin\u00adking, I get rid of my swea\u00adty clo\u00adthes and plun\u00adge into the water. It feels warm and soft, very dif\u00adfe\u00adrent from the cold, clear water of the sur\u00adroun\u00adding lake. As if it wasn\u2019t the same ele\u00adment. I enjoy floa\u00adting on the sur\u00adface of this see\u00admingly bot\u00adtom\u00adless lake.<\/p>\n
After a while, I swim back to whe\u00adre I left my clo\u00adthes, only to find that, easy as it was to get into the water, get\u00adting out seems an impos\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty. Like in a night\u00adma\u00adre, the nea\u00adrer I get to the bank, the deeper I sink into the mud\u00addy ground. I beco\u00adme more and more dis\u00adcou\u00adra\u00adged every time I try to grab hold of some\u00adthing on the bank and have to let go again. I just seem to slip away back into the mud\u00addy water every time. I look around me, but ever\u00ady\u00adthing seems the same. I can feel the panic slow\u00adly cree\u00adping up my back. Is my life sup\u00adpo\u00adsed to end in this deso\u00adla\u00adte moor-lake? I force mys\u00adelf to ana\u00adly\u00adze the situa\u00adti\u00adon: Sin\u00adce I can\u00adnot see any\u00adthing, I have to try and feel my way out of this. Despi\u00adte my exhaus\u00adti\u00adon, I deci\u00adde to swim only with my arms, using my legs like a per\u00adpen\u00addi\u00adcu\u00adlar to explo\u00adre the depth. Thus, with my foot I final\u00adly hit a flat rock, invi\u00adsi\u00adble from the sur\u00adface, that I might be able to use as a plat\u00adform. The rock is so slip\u00adpery, that I fall back into the water again and again. But this rock, it seems, is my only chan\u00adce. So I try again, and final\u00adly mana\u00adge to stand on it. From the\u00adre I jump to the shore, whe\u00adre I sink up to my body into the mud\u00addy ground. But at least I escaped the black lake! Somehow I mana\u00adge to crawl through the swam\u00adpy bank back to whe\u00adre I left my clo\u00adthes. Sin\u00adce washing mys\u00adelf in the lake is defi\u00adni\u00adte\u00adly no opti\u00adon, I put on my clo\u00adthes right over my mud\u00addy body. It feels stran\u00adge when the mud starts to dry, forming a thin crust on the skin. Only on parts, whe\u00adre I sweat, the mud keeps run\u00adning down my back and my legs. At least the mud seems to keep off the mos\u00adqui\u00adtos and soo\u00adt\u00adhe their bites. I con\u00advin\u00adce mys\u00adelf that all this must be very healt\u00adhy indeed.<\/p>\n
It is as dark as it gets, when I final\u00adly reach the cabin. It must be long past mid\u00adnight. I make a fire in the sau\u00adna and wash mys\u00adelf in the clear water of my \u2013 as I only rea\u00adli\u00adze now \u2013 enorm\u00adous lake. Stran\u00adge that the litt\u00adle black lake, that almost cost my life, lies embedded like an embryo in the midd\u00adle of the big\u00adger lake. All this now seems like a dream; a dream that comes from me, is part of me, and yet some\u00adthing ali\u00aden, just like the black lake within the blue lake.<\/p>\n
After this expe\u00addi\u00adti\u00adon I ear\u00adned mys\u00adelf a lazy day. A cou\u00adple of pages in my book, a sies\u00adta, some light pas\u00adta-lunch \u2013 vege\u00adta\u00adri\u00adan as it were \u2013 and again sies\u00adta. Today all is peaceful, inclu\u00adding the pine-tree. Even the insects are having a day off, it seems. I enjoy lying on my blan\u00adket in the half-shadow of the birch-trees, that allow just the right amount of sun\u00adlight to fil\u00adter through. I am alre\u00ada\u00addy half asleep, when I feel a hot breath on my fore\u00adhead. As I open my eyes they are met by the intent gaze of a wolf! I am instant\u00adly pre\u00adsent and frigh\u00adten\u00aded to death. My instinct tells me to jump into the water, sin\u00adce the path to the house is blo\u00adcked by the beast. My ratio tells me to stay calm, sin\u00adce flight might pro\u00advo\u00adke the crea\u00adtu\u00adre, and it can cer\u00adtain\u00adly swim bet\u00adter than me. As a result, I remain moti\u00adon\u00adless, under shock. The wolf seems not half as frigh\u00adten\u00aded as me, only slight\u00adly puz\u00adzled as what to make of this stran\u00adge bund\u00adle of naked white meat. Sens\u00ading my anxie\u00adty, he almost respectful\u00adly draws back from me a cou\u00adple of yards. But he\u2019s still gazing at me with his yel\u00adlow eyes, as if he was wai\u00adting for me to calm down. It is a long gaze, until final\u00adly the wolf trots off as sil\u00adent\u00adly as he appeared. As I wri\u00adte this down, I am still reco\u00adve\u00adring from the shock. But I will sure\u00adly never for\u00adget the look from tho\u00adse warm, yel\u00adlow eyes.<\/p>\n
Only hours after this inci\u00addent, after the shock has final\u00adly pas\u00adsed, I rea\u00adli\u00adze what a pre\u00adcious encoun\u00adter that was! And how ina\u00adde\u00adqua\u00adte my fear\u00adful reac\u00adtion! I wish the young wolf would come again. Then I would try to react dif\u00adfer\u00adent\u00adly. But I\u2019m sure he won\u2019t. And what could he do with a fear\u00adful fema\u00adle of the human race? He pro\u00adba\u00adb\u00adly pas\u00adsed on to look for a pret\u00adty young she-wolf to start his own pack. I note: Only sheep have to fear the \u2019big bad wolf\u2019. And as if to punish me for my arro\u00adgan\u00adce, the pine-tree throws its cones at me again. I should go inside.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
An anonymous charge<\/h3>\n
In my dream a fema\u00adle voice asked me to wri\u00adte a book about reli\u00adgi\u00adon. How absurd! I can only say: First of all, I don\u2019t accept any anony\u00admous orders! Second\u00adly, the\u00adre is litt\u00adle that inte\u00adrests me less than reli\u00adgi\u00adon! I was brought up with the belief, that ever\u00ady\u00adthing real can be explai\u00adned sci\u00aden\u00adti\u00adfi\u00adcal\u00adly in some way or other. Con\u00adclu\u00adsi\u00adon: What can\u00adnot be explai\u00adned can\u00adnot be real. My mother was an athe\u00adist, and my father didn\u2019t like to admit, that he actual\u00adly did belie\u00adve in some\u00adthing like God. Christ\u00admas was accep\u00adta\u00adble only under the label of tra\u00addi\u00adti\u00adon, while my mother never fai\u00adled to point out that it had hea\u00adthen roots. None\u00adthel\u00adess my sis\u00adter and I pray\u00aded secret\u00adly every night befo\u00adre going to bed. It was like kno\u00adcking on the pri\u00adson-wall. The\u00adre had to be some\u00adthing out the\u00adre, that attri\u00adbu\u00adted a grea\u00adter sen\u00adse to ever\u00ady\u00adthing, that was good, just, and more powerful than our par\u00adents. But reli\u00adgi\u00adon? Like our par\u00adents, we thought it was dog\u00adma\u00adtic, into\u00adle\u00adrant and inac\u00adcep\u00adta\u00adble on the who\u00adle. Yoga and Medi\u00adta\u00adti\u00adon prac\u00adti\u00adce are a dif\u00adfe\u00adrent mat\u00adter. They have long beco\u00adme part of my ever\u00ady\u00adday-life \u2014 for mere\u00adly prac\u00adti\u00adcal reasons. I don\u2019t con\u00adsider it a reli\u00adgi\u00adon. While medi\u00adta\u00adting, I try to crea\u00adte some peace of mind, and yoga was what hel\u00adped after a bicy\u00adcle-acci\u00addent many years ago. And now an omi\u00adnous voice asks me to wri\u00adte a book about religion?<\/p>\n
(\u2026)<\/p>\n
Dozing on the lake-ter\u00adrace, I again hear the voice from my dream. She gives me a few sen\u00adten\u00adces. They sound like the pro\u00adlo\u00adgue to a lon\u00adger text. I hear the voice coming from insi\u00adde. I can rather feel the words than actual\u00adly hear them. It is hard to descri\u00adbe. To my sur\u00adpri\u00adse the words make sen\u00adse, and they are \u2013 in a stran\u00adge way \u2013 beau\u00adtiful. I deci\u00adde to wri\u00adte them down.<\/p>\n
From now on I recei\u00adve a chap\u00adter every mor\u00adning. All I need to do is wait and lis\u00adten. You could say, the text has to do with reli\u00adgi\u00adon, yet in a much more fun\u00adda\u00admen\u00adtal sen\u00adse; having not\u00adhing to do with church or ser\u00advice, as I always unders\u00adtood \u2018reli\u00adgi\u00adon\u2019. No, this text is all about love. The words are very clear and beau\u00adtiful, and they strike a chord deep insi\u00adde me. I expect all this to end with my depar\u00adtu\u00adre tomor\u00adrow. Howe\u00adver, it was a gre\u00adat expe\u00adri\u00adence: the black lake, the wolf, my dreams, this inner voice\u2026 Back home, I will try to crea\u00adte a regu\u00adlar space for this: inter\u00adlu\u00addes of silence, bey\u00adond my medi\u00adta\u00adti\u00adon rou\u00adti\u00adne. At least I want to allow for such beau\u00adtiful things to happen.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Back Home<\/h3>\n
Home. I hard\u00adly dare to call this big, emp\u00adty apart\u00adment \u201ahome\u2018. But going out doesn\u2019t sol\u00adve the pro\u00adblem. The city dulls my sen\u00adses. Too many sen\u00adsa\u00adti\u00adons, too much for the mind to digest. I try to clo\u00adse up against the sen\u00adso\u00adry over\u00adload, and by doing so for\u00adfeit my awa\u00adre\u00adness. It is the oppo\u00adsi\u00adte when I am in Natu\u00adre: The sen\u00adses are woken and alert, and every detail beco\u00admes meaningful. In natu\u00adre I can feel the who\u00adle as a com\u00adpo\u00adsi\u00adti\u00adon of every part. It all makes sen\u00adse. I can best expe\u00adri\u00adence this, when I am alo\u00adne. I have beco\u00adme more sen\u00adsi\u00adti\u00adve sin\u00adce I came back from Fin\u00adland, and more vul\u00adnerable, too. Do we need all this noi\u00adse, becau\u00adse silence con\u00adfronts us with our grea\u00adtest fear: our own boundlessness?<\/p>\n
(\u2026)<\/p>\n
In Nor\u00adwich, I visit a litt\u00adle parish church on the out\u00adskirts of town, that hadn\u2019t drawn my atten\u00adti\u00adon, when I was stu\u00addy\u00ading the\u00adre. After all, the\u00adre are over fif\u00adty churches in Nor\u00adwich. The church is situa\u00adted rather unro\u00adman\u00adti\u00adcal\u00adly next to a buil\u00adding-site. Anne\u00adxed to the church is a litt\u00adle cha\u00adpel dedi\u00adca\u00adted to Juli\u00adan of Nor\u00adwich, who lived here in the 14th cen\u00adtu\u00adry. The cha\u00adpel is very plain and unin\u00advi\u00adting for any visi\u00adtor. I have no idea, what brought me here.<\/p>\n
I am about to lea\u00adve, when I hear a fema\u00adle voice clo\u00adse behind me. I turn round, but the\u00adre is no one else in the cha\u00adpel. I remem\u00adber the voice, though. It is the same voice that gave me the text about \u2018reli\u00adgi\u00adon\u2019 a cou\u00adple of months ago in Fin\u00adland and then back home, until the text was com\u00adple\u00adte! This time, there\u2019s no need to \u2018trans\u00adla\u00adte\u2019 the words, they are clear as crys\u00adtal: \u201cI am so hap\u00adpy, that you have come. Now I know: You will con\u00adti\u00adnue my work. With you, it is in the best hands!\u201d The\u00adre is so much enthu\u00adsi\u00adasm in her words, and so much love and affec\u00adtion! It almost makes me cry. Then it was Juli\u00adan, who had spo\u00adken to me all the time, Juli\u00adan of Norwich!<\/p>\n
A man enters the cha\u00adpel and kne\u00adels down to pray. I lea\u00adve the place with mixed fee\u00adlings. It feels so right, and yet so ali\u00aden. How I would have loved to actual\u00adly see Juli\u00adan, not just lis\u00adten to her fine, warm voice. How I long to look her in the eye! Then ratio\u00adna\u00adli\u00adty attacks again: \u201eThis is all your ima\u00adgi\u00adna\u00adti\u00adon. None of this real\u00adly hap\u00adpen\u00aded, or can you pro\u00adve it?\u201d Of cour\u00adse not. How could I? Yet the\u00adre is some\u00adthing about the\u00adse out\u00adbursts of ratio\u00adna\u00adli\u00adty, that has chan\u00adged. That tiger \u2018doubt\u2019 seems to lose his fer\u00advor. As if it knew, it is losing ground. Still I don\u2019t dare to tell my fri\u00adend about it. He would pro\u00adba\u00adb\u00adly think I\u2019m mad. May\u00adbe I am. But that doesn\u2019t keep me from wri\u00adting ever\u00ady\u00adthing down in my diar. I have the fee\u00adling that this is just the begin\u00adning. And who knows, if later on I still belie\u00adve what hap\u00adpen\u00aded, if I don\u2019t record it now. In any case, I have to find out more about Juli\u00adan of Nor\u00adwich. I want to read ever\u00ady\u00adthing she wro\u00adte and ever\u00ady\u00adthing that was writ\u00adten about her. I want to know whom I am sup\u00adpo\u00adsed to follow!<\/p>\n
Juli\u00adan lived as a nun in 14th cen\u00adtu\u00adry Nor\u00adwich. In the midd\u00adle of her life, she fell very ill and wel\u00adco\u00admed death as a redemp\u00adti\u00adon. Yet she reco\u00adver\u00aded and lived in that cell in Nor\u00adwich until old age. Her Showings thrill me and repul\u00adse me both at the same time. What she wri\u00adtes about love is inspi\u00adring and strikes a chord in me. It must have been revo\u00adlu\u00adtio\u00adna\u00adry for her times, may\u00adbe even dan\u00adge\u00adrous, to pos\u00adtu\u00adla\u00adte that love is in every one of us, and every one of us is God. It is her ado\u00adra\u00adti\u00adon for the cru\u00adci\u00adfied Jesus that repul\u00adses me with this stran\u00adge mix of blood\u00adlust and death wish, I can\u00adnot rela\u00adte to. What tou\u00adch\u00ades me most, though, is one simp\u00adle phra\u00adse, that speaks of her uns\u00adwer\u00adving trust in God: \u201eAll shall be well, and all shall be well, and all man\u00adner of things shall be well.\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201e<\/span>Juli\u00adan, what are you doing to me?\u201c I am hea\u00adring her voice again. After a fai\u00adled mor\u00adning medi\u00adta\u00adti\u00adon in my B&<\/span>B, in which I couldn\u2019t stop thin\u00adking of my cold feet and then of my anger, becau\u00adse I couldn\u2019t stop thin\u00adking of tho\u00adse cold feet, I tried dyna\u00admic yoga to warm me up. \u201cI loved to do what you\u2019re doing now back then in my cell\u201d, I hear her say. I swirl around, and the\u00adre she is. I can\u00adnot see her quite as cle\u00adar\u00adly as I would see someone in the street, rather blur\u00adred and as a sil\u00adhou\u00adet\u00adte. As if I still have to get used to this kind of per\u00adcep\u00adti\u00adon. But my pic\u00adtu\u00adre of her is much more colorful than usu\u00adal. I can see her pin\u00adki\u00adsh aura with a bright white cen\u00adter. She looks dif\u00adfe\u00adrent to what I thought she might: Spor\u00adti\u00adve and almost modern, despi\u00adte her nun\u2019s habit. How small she is, bare\u00adly rea\u00adching my should\u00ader. She seems so spi\u00adri\u00adted and viva\u00adcious; unbe\u00adlie\u00adva\u00adble that she should be dead for more than 600 years!<\/p>\n I can see Juli\u00adan expe\u00adri\u00admen\u00adting with one of my yoga-asa\u00adnas. She bursts into laugh\u00adter becau\u00adse she can\u00adnot get it right. The situa\u00adti\u00adon seems so real and sur\u00adre\u00adal at the same time, that it makes me laugh, too. \u201cSor\u00adry, Juli\u00adan, but you couldn\u2019t have done this in your cell. It\u2019s yoga. It comes from India, and you are a medieval nun!\u201d \u2013 \u201cTrue\u201d, she smi\u00adles rogu\u00adish\u00adly at me, \u201cbut my exer\u00adci\u00ads\u00ades were quite simi\u00adlar \u2013 apart from this one\u2026 I am so incre\u00addi\u00adbly hap\u00adpy that you have come!\u201c, she says again. \u201cWhen you came to my cell, I just couldn\u2019t wait any lon\u00adger to show mys\u00adelf to you. And I knew, you were curious enough by now\u2026 I hope you don\u2019t find me obtru\u00adsi\u00adve? Will you con\u00adti\u00adnue my work, as you have alre\u00ada\u00addy done?\u201d, she asks eager\u00adly. \u201cFirst I have to know, what you mean by \u2018con\u00adti\u00adnuing your work\u2019, I coun\u00adter cau\u00adtious\u00adly. \u201cI\u2019m cer\u00adtain\u00adly not going to beco\u00adme a nun! And I must con\u00adfess, I do have pro\u00adblems with your Showings.\u201c \u2013 \u201eOh, that I under\u00adstand only too well! But it is more than enough, if you just con\u00adcen\u00adtra\u00adte on love\u201d, she reassu\u00adres me, \u201cThat is the essence. See, you have to under\u00adstand the con\u00addi\u00adti\u00adons, under which I lived and work\u00aded. Ado\u00adra\u00adti\u00adon for the cru\u00adci\u00adfied Lord was what was expec\u00adted of a mys\u00adtic tho\u00adse days. And abo\u00adve all of a fema\u00adle mys\u00adtic.\u201c, she added with a cer\u00adtain tone, \u201eThe\u00adre was always the dan\u00adger of here\u00adsy, see, and at that time it was a mor\u00adtal dan\u00adger! And then, I wan\u00adted to reach peo\u00adp\u00adle, reach straight for their hearts. So what would you have done in my place? In my times, a woman couldn\u2019t just live alo\u00adne and do as she plea\u00adsed, like you today. And the men were eit\u00adher priests or mon\u00adks or lived in the dar\u00adkest midd\u00adle-ages \u2013 spi\u00adri\u00adtual\u00adly, I mean.\u201d We laug\u00adhed together.<\/p>\n \u201c<\/span>I never wan\u00adted to mar\u00adry. I couldn\u2019t have lived with tho\u00adse men that were available to me. It would have been slavery \u2013 body and soul! So I fought to beco\u00adme a nun. But then: I, too, had my desi\u00adres, my dreams, my lon\u00adgings. Rather a soul-mate, that I had to share with many others, than none at all. Per\u00adhaps now you can under\u00adstand, why I indul\u00adged in all this bodi\u00adly ado\u00adra\u00adti\u00adon for the Blood of Christ. It was my sen\u00adsua\u00adli\u00adty, my ero\u00adti\u00adcism, as you would call it today. And as for the death wish, that repels you so much: Who wouldn\u2019t want to be with her lover? What I mean is: Death was a nor\u00admal part of life for us then, not like for you today. It was not\u00adhing to be afraid of. For most of us death came as a lon\u00adged for reward for a trou\u00adble\u00adso\u00adme life.\u201d \u2013 \u201cSo why did you live on, after you were on the brink of death alre\u00ada\u00addy?\u201d, I inqui\u00adred. \u201cBecau\u00adse I had a cau\u00adse, a visi\u00adon to ful\u00adfill; our visi\u00adon. I wan\u00adted peo\u00adp\u00adle, ordi\u00adna\u00adry peo\u00adp\u00adle, not just the \u2018cho\u00adsen ones\u2019, to feel the love of God insi\u00adde and to spread it among each other. I wan\u00adted them to be con\u00adso\u00adled, so that life on this side, too, would improve.\u201d<\/p>\n (\u2026)<\/p>\n The\u00adre was a visi\u00adtor today. Just when I ended my medi\u00adta\u00adti\u00adon with a bow and a \u201cThank you for ever\u00ady\u00adthing being as it is\u201d, I could feel some\u00adthing brushing the back of my head. It\u2019s a raven. Of cour\u00adse I know, that it is no \u2018real\u2019 bird, but I can none\u00adthel\u00adess \u2018see\u2019 it and also feel it spre\u00ada\u00adding its wings and tou\u00adch\u00ading my should\u00aders. Alt\u00adhough it is only a soft touch, I feel awk\u00adward about it. Hadn\u2019t Fio\u00adna war\u00adned me that not all spi\u00adrits mean well, when they make cont\u00adact with us? And the raven has a rather sinis\u00adter repu\u00adta\u00adti\u00adon. But so has the wolf, and yet, ins\u00adtead of devou\u00adring me, it hel\u00adped to open my heart.<\/p>\n I dreamt that I am a par\u00adti\u00adci\u00adpant in a semi\u00adnar taking place near a river. The tea\u00adcher divi\u00addes us into two groups. Tog\u00ade\u00adther with two other han\u00addi\u00adcap\u00adped (in my dream my legs are para\u00adly\u00adzed), I\u2019m in the smal\u00adler group. I am the first to roll into the semi\u00adnar-room in the mor\u00adning. The\u00adre is a raven alre\u00ada\u00addy wai\u00adting for me. It jumps on my lap and allows me to stro\u00adke it. Later the tea\u00adcher men\u00adti\u00adons the raven and asks me to fol\u00adlow him down to the river. Despi\u00adte my han\u00addi\u00adcap, I am sup\u00adpo\u00adsed to get into the white water of the river. To con\u00advin\u00adce me, he tells me about its fan\u00adta\u00adstic under\u00adwa\u00adter-world. But he also men\u00adti\u00adons the dan\u00adge\u00adrous curr\u00adents. He shows me a detail\u00aded map of the river and the sur\u00adroun\u00adding area. Alt\u00adhough I am afraid, I deci\u00adde to enter the river. Unfort\u00adu\u00adna\u00adte\u00adly this is whe\u00adre I wake up.<\/p>\n The dream reminds me of my child\u00adhood; when I refu\u00adsed to learn how to swim. With end\u00adless pati\u00adence my par\u00adents final\u00adly mana\u00adged to con\u00advin\u00adce me, that the water will sup\u00adport me, if I make only slight move\u00adments with my arms and legs. But I was ter\u00adri\u00adfied to let go the safe\u00adty of the pool edge and my floa\u00adties in exch\u00adan\u00adge for the big unknown. When I final\u00adly did learn how to swim, it was so magi\u00adcal that it was hard for my par\u00adents to get me out of the water again. Today, once again, I feel like a litt\u00adle girl try\u00ading to learn how to swim. And the raven seems less uncan\u00adny to me, after it reap\u00adpeared in my dream.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I will do it. I will enter this other world, that seems to be cal\u00adling me again and again. I will enter the unknown, just like in my dream. But I will do it metho\u00addi\u00adcal\u00adly. So I regis\u00adtered for a beg\u00adin\u00adners-cour\u00adse in shama\u00adnism. Now I am in the moun\u00adta\u00adins, in a group of about 30 peo\u00adp\u00adle with varied reasons for being here. Some want to fill a void in their life, others come out of curio\u00adsi\u00adty. And a few have had a call to adven\u00adture, like mys\u00adelf, some inci\u00addent bey\u00adond the usu\u00adal that calls for explanation.<\/p>\n For our tea\u00adcher all this is mere\u00adly a rou\u00adti\u00adne. Wit\u00adhout a long intro\u00adduc\u00adtion we start with our shama\u00adnic jour\u00adneys. \u201cNowa\u00addays hard\u00adly anyo\u00adne fails\u201c, she reassu\u00adres us. \u201cTwen\u00adty years ago, it was dif\u00adfe\u00adrent. Back then it was not so easy for peo\u00adp\u00adle to cross the bor\u00adder into that other rea\u00adli\u00adty.\u201c When she men\u00adti\u00adons the \u2018other rea\u00adli\u00adty\u2019, it is wit\u00adhout quo\u00adtes. For her it is just a real as our ever\u00ady\u00adday-per\u00adcep\u00adti\u00adon. And as a fact, only two of us per\u00adcei\u00adve litt\u00adle or not\u00adhing on their first shama\u00adnic journey.<\/p>\n The jour\u00adney\u00ading is no big deal for our tea\u00adcher. We can blind-fold our\u00adsel\u00adves, if we think we need it, other\u00adwi\u00adse the\u00adre are very few rules. We\u2019re sup\u00adpo\u00adsed to ima\u00adgi\u00adne a place in natu\u00adre, some place we know and love. It will be the start\u00ading-point of our jour\u00adney. Then we just lie down and start to the bea\u00adting of her drum. First we shall look for a com\u00adpa\u00adn\u00adion, some crea\u00adtu\u00adre, in the \u2018lower world. To get the\u00adre, we ima\u00adgi\u00adne a hole in the ground, a crack bet\u00adween rocks or some dark lake or pond. From the\u00adre we come to a tun\u00adnel, through which we tra\u00advel. Some tun\u00adnels are lon\u00adger, some shorter. The land\u00adscape that will open up to as at the end of the tun\u00adnel, is sup\u00adpo\u00adsed to be a sur\u00adpri\u00adse. The\u00adre we shall imme\u00addia\u00adte\u00adly start loo\u00adking for some ani\u00admal that could be our com\u00adpa\u00adn\u00adion. When it appears, we shall ask per\u00admis\u00adsi\u00adon to take it with us. In case the\u00adre is more than one crea\u00adtu\u00adre, we shall choo\u00adse the one that wants to cont\u00adact us or at least doesn\u2019t run away. We take it with us back through the tun\u00adnel to our start\u00ading-point. We should have arri\u00adved back the\u00adre, when we hear the cal\u00adling back-signal of the drum: Four times eight beats, then a ruff\u00adle, and then again four times eight beats of the drum.<\/p>\n Tra\u00advel\u00adling to the \u201aupper world\u2018 is simi\u00adlar. The only dif\u00adfe\u00adrence is, that we don\u2019t crawl through a hole in the ground or a tun\u00adnel, but ima\u00adgi\u00adne some\u00adthing that leads up, like a lad\u00adder or a ray of light. Some\u00adti\u00admes, howe\u00adver, we are coll\u00adec\u00adted right at our power place. In the \u2018upper world\u2019 we find our tea\u00adchers. They usual\u00adly have a human form, and talk to us, if we\u2019re lucky. That doesn\u2019t mean, that power ani\u00admals can\u2019t talk or can\u2019t be found in the \u2018upper world. Any\u00adthing goes, in the sphe\u00adre of shama\u00adnism, it seems. So much for the theory.<\/p>\n After ever\u00adyo\u00adne has sett\u00adled down on the flo\u00ador, the only sound left is the mono\u00adto\u00adno\u00adus beat of the drum. We are all alo\u00adne now with our anxie\u00adties and expec\u00adta\u00adti\u00adons. We are advi\u00adsed to tra\u00advel with a clear pur\u00adpo\u00adse (like fin\u00adding a power ani\u00admal), but wit\u00adhout expec\u00adta\u00adti\u00adons. The lat\u00adter seems dif\u00adfi\u00adcult. Of cour\u00adse, I have expec\u00adta\u00adti\u00adons, and ple\u00adnty of them! And fears, espe\u00adci\u00adal\u00adly the fear to fail. Will I be able to feel any\u00adthing under semi\u00adnar-con\u00addi\u00adti\u00adons? Up to now, I never actively cho\u00adse the time for the spi\u00adrits to come; it just hap\u00adpen\u00aded. Or will I pass all bor\u00adders, lose mys\u00adelf and make some unp\u00adlea\u00adsant acquain\u00adtances? Who will I meet? What will my power ani\u00admal be? A mou\u00adse? Or a spi\u00adder? How dis\u00adap\u00adpoin\u00adting that would be! Why dis\u00adap\u00adpoin\u00adting? Wouldn\u2019t a spi\u00adder be good enough for her lady\u00adship? My head is full of thoughts like this, while I try to relax into the task befo\u00adre me. The relent\u00adless bea\u00adting of the drum reminds me that time is run\u00adning out. We will be cal\u00adled back in fif\u00adteen minu\u00adtes! How much time do I have left? I haven\u2019t even thought of a power place, let alo\u00adne ente\u00adred the tun\u00adnel! I quick\u00adly ima\u00adgi\u00adne the lake-ter\u00adrace in Fin\u00adland, whe\u00adre the wolf came to me. Imme\u00addia\u00adte\u00adly a new image pops up: A wolf! Of cour\u00adse, my power ani\u00admal has to be a wolf! Would I now still be open for ano\u00adther companion?<\/p>\n To get to the \u201alower world\u2018, I sim\u00adply dive into the lake. The tun\u00adnel seems end\u00adless. To my sur\u00adpri\u00adse, I final\u00adly find mys\u00adelf in the other, smal\u00adler lake. It is com\u00adple\u00adte\u00adly opaque, just like in Fin\u00adland. Instant\u00adly memo\u00adries of my futi\u00adle efforts to get out of the lake, sur\u00adface my mind. And the\u00adre is not a sin\u00adgle ani\u00admal to be seen! At last I can make out a litt\u00adle black and white sna\u00adke win\u00adding its way clo\u00adse to the sur\u00adface. I try to make cont\u00adact, but the crea\u00adtu\u00adre doesn\u2019t seem to noti\u00adce me. I\u2019m clo\u00adse to giving up, when I hear a caw abo\u00adve my head. The raven! And how I had mis\u00adtrus\u00adted him! Befo\u00adre I can ask for per\u00admis\u00adsi\u00adon, the bird is by my side. We pass through the tun\u00adnel tog\u00ade\u00adther, and when we reach the lake-ter\u00adrace, I can hear the first call-back signal of the drum. My jour\u00adney hasn\u2019t even taken fif\u00adteen minu\u00adtes, the first ten of which I spent fight\u00ading back my fears and doubts! Unbe\u00adlie\u00adva\u00adble, how dis\u00adtor\u00adted time seems in the \u2018other world\u2019!<\/p>\n For the jour\u00adney to the \u201aupper world\u2018, my raven is alre\u00ada\u00addy wai\u00adting. He is taking me on his lar\u00adge, black wings up to the mid\u00adnight sun. The Fin\u00adnish land\u00adscape looks so beau\u00adtiful from abo\u00adve with its dark forests and glit\u00adte\u00adring waters. This jour\u00adney is about fin\u00adding a tea\u00adcher in human form. We fly through a thin lay\u00ader of mist into a warm, yel\u00adlow light. The\u00adre is not\u00adhing to see here, but I can feel a male pre\u00adsence clo\u00adse by. I can even feel his hand on my should\u00ader. Next I hear a male voice tel\u00adling me to con\u00adti\u00adnue my path ste\u00adadi\u00adly and trustful\u00adly. It would be easy and full of joy! Sole obs\u00adta\u00adcles are my impa\u00adti\u00adence and expec\u00adta\u00adti\u00adon. He tells me to trust in what I find, wit\u00adhout adding to it, and wit\u00adhout inter\u00adpre\u00adta\u00adti\u00adon. Now I feel Juli\u00adan by my side, too. I ask her, if the male voice is trust\u00adwor\u00adt\u00adhy. \u201eYes, it\u2019s Hor. You can trust him alright!\u201c<\/p>\n The pur\u00adpo\u00adse of our third jour\u00adney is to find out, what our task is in the spi\u00adri\u00adtu\u00adal world. The raven is the\u00adre and seems exci\u00adted. Through a nar\u00adrow pas\u00adsa\u00adge we enter a buri\u00adal cham\u00adber. My eyes have to adapt to the dark\u00adness, befo\u00adre I can make out the shape of a tall, slen\u00adder man in the orna\u00adte of an Egyp\u00adti\u00adan priest. He is trea\u00adting a corp\u00adse, embal\u00adming it. The thick air is fil\u00adled with the scent of per\u00adfu\u00adme and death. I feel the urge to lea\u00adve. But Hor calls me back: \u201cYou will get used to it. Wait here until I am finis\u00adhed.\u201d After the embal\u00adming, The\u00adre is a cerem\u00ado\u00adny to accom\u00adpa\u00adny the soul of the dece\u00addent to the other side of the river. I can hear some low sin\u00adging, an occa\u00adsio\u00adnal whisper and silence in bet\u00adween. I am deep\u00adly moved by what I am allo\u00adwed to wit\u00adness. After the cerem\u00ado\u00adny, Hor comes over to me, expec\u00adting my ques\u00adti\u00adons. \u201cWhat does all this have to do with my task in the spi\u00adri\u00adtu\u00adal world?\u201d, I ask, puz\u00adzled. \u201cYou will prepa\u00adre the dying for their last voya\u00adge and accom\u00adpa\u00adny their souls to the other side of the River of Life.\u201d is Hor\u2019s simp\u00adle ans\u00adwer. I shud\u00adder, fee\u00adling that this might inde\u00aded be true. \u201cWhy me?\u201d I object, \u201eWhy such a gra\u00adve task?\u201c \u2013 \u201eIt is a holy task, but don\u2019t be afraid. This is only for later in your life. And then I will be the\u00adre at your side to help you.\u201d Then it was no coin\u00adci\u00addence, that I recei\u00adved the raven, the bird of death as a com\u00adpa\u00adn\u00adion. I begin to anti\u00adci\u00adpa\u00adte, what is in store for me in this \u2018other world\u2019. How fami\u00adli\u00adar must one, who accom\u00adpa\u00adnies the dying, be with death? \u201cDon\u2019t worry\u201d, Juli\u00adan inter\u00adcepts my thoughts, \u201cnow you have us. You got to trust!\u201d Trust seems to be so cen\u00adtral in this work. It takes cou\u00adra\u00adge to trust. Do I have that cou\u00adra\u00adge? Or rather: Do I have a choice?<\/p>\n (\u2026)<\/p>\n I can\u2019t resist the tempt\u00ada\u00adti\u00adon to ask my com\u00adpa\u00adn\u00adions about the future. But Hor puts me off: \u201cDon\u2019t ask what will be, only ask what you can do.\u201d \u2013 \u201cOr not do\u201d, Int\u00adschi adds shrewd\u00adly. \u201cOr do you honest\u00adly think, you are a slave of desti\u00adny? You\u2019re not! You are here to shape your rea\u00adli\u00adty. Trust your inner gui\u00addance and act accor\u00addin\u00adgly. That is all you need to know.\u201c \u2013 \u201eSo what am I sup\u00adpo\u00adsed to do today?\u201d I ask, sin\u00adce I have no clear pur\u00adpo\u00adse for my jour\u00adney. The raven takes me up to the mid\u00adnight sun, whe\u00adre Hor is alre\u00ada\u00addy wai\u00adting. \u201cDon\u2019t do any\u00adthing unless you do it for love\u2019s sake\u201d, he says. \u201cIf not, lea\u00adve it. The\u00adre is far less need to act than you think.\u201d I have one more ques\u00adti\u00adon. I would like to know: Are they enti\u00adties sepa\u00adra\u00adte from me or are they a part of me? \u201cBoth. We are sepa\u00adra\u00adte enti\u00adties and we are a part of you. And you are a part of us.\u201d \u2013 I am puz\u00adzled, so Hor con\u00adti\u00adnues to explain: \u201cWe are all mani\u00adfes\u00adta\u00adti\u00adons of the same power. If we work tog\u00ade\u00adther, we are so much more powerful than alo\u00adne. That is true for humans, and it is also true for the spi\u00adrit-world. We need you as much as you need us. We can only work through you. That is why we are so plea\u00adsed when you per\u00adcei\u00adve and trust us.\u201d I have so many more ques\u00adti\u00adons, sin\u00adce one ques\u00adti\u00adon seems to lead to a dozen more. But my com\u00adpa\u00adn\u00adions indi\u00adca\u00adte that it is enough for one ses\u00adsi\u00adon. So I express my gra\u00adti\u00adtu\u00adde and end this journey.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t wait to start fas\u00adting. I am only wai\u00adting for the first warm days, becau\u00adse I always feel so cold, when fas\u00adting. I am loo\u00adking for\u00adward to shed\u00adding my win\u00adter fat and fee\u00adling reborn in spring, like a but\u00adter\u00adfly who slips from its chry\u00adsa\u00adlis. Not only the body is puri\u00adfied through fas\u00adting, but also the soul, it seems. I want to fast away all the cho\u00adco\u00adla\u00adte that hel\u00adped me through the cold, dark days of win\u00adter (thank you, cho\u00adco\u00adla\u00adte). I run on cho\u00adco\u00adla\u00adte and sun\u00adlight, it seems, and love, if I can get it. That fuels me more than any\u00adthing else.<\/p>\n There\u2019s one thing I\u2019d like to know, befo\u00adre I start fas\u00adting. I have always wan\u00adted to know, so why not ask my com\u00adpa\u00adn\u00adions? They are alre\u00ada\u00addy wai\u00adting for me on the lake-ter\u00adrace: \u201cWhe\u00adre does it come from, this com\u00adple\u00adte\u00adly ina\u00adde\u00adqua\u00adte fear of star\u00adva\u00adti\u00adon\u201d, I want to know. This time I am taken on a very unu\u00adsu\u00adal jour\u00adney, neither in the \u2018upper\u2019, nor into the \u2018lower world\u2019, but on a hori\u00adzon\u00adtal beam into ano\u00adther peri\u00adod of time. I find mys\u00adelf in a dun\u00adge\u00adon. There\u2019s a mol\u00addy smell, and I can hear drops of water run\u00adning down the stone walls and drip\u00adping onto the flo\u00ador. When my eyes have adapt\u00aded to the dark, I can see a thin old man with a shag\u00adgy beard crou\u00adch\u00ading in a cor\u00adner, sta\u00adring at me with a jaded gla\u00adre. I know this man! Some\u00adti\u00admes he visits me in my dreams. Every time after waking up from this dream, I feel drai\u00adned and exhaus\u00adted. I am afraid of this man.<\/p>\n Only becau\u00adse Juli\u00adan and Hor are with me, I dare to address him: \u201eWho are you?\u201d \u2014 \u201eMy name is Nathan\u201c, he starts in a rus\u00adty voice that sounds like he hasn\u2019t spo\u00adken in years. Yet the voice gets clea\u00adrer and more urgent with every word he speaks. \u201cI am your ances\u00adtor. You know me.\u201c \u2013 \u201cWhat hap\u00adpen\u00aded to you?\u201d I want to know, \u201cI was thrown into this dun\u00adge\u00adon, was tor\u00adtu\u00adred and then for\u00adgot\u00adten. The\u00adre is no one left but me. It is not the hun\u00adger that tor\u00adtures me most, but to be for\u00adgot\u00adten. What keeps me ali\u00adve is the water coming from the stones and you.\u201d \u2013 \u201cMe?\u201d, I excla\u00adim. \u201cYes, you. I cho\u00adse you, becau\u00adse you know what it is like to be negle\u00adc\u00adted.\u201d This last sen\u00adtence makes me crin\u00adge. He\u2019s right, I do know what it feels like. As an infant, when I wouldn\u2019t stop crying, I was brought to the fur\u00adthest room in the house, all doors shut. My par\u00adents just couldn\u2019t belie\u00adve that I was hun\u00adgry again, com\u00adpared to my sis\u00adter who was so dif\u00adfe\u00adrent. In the dark room, the baby must have thought it was going to die. Now I under\u00adstand why my ances\u00adtor clings to me in my dreams and won\u2019t let go, until I mana\u00adge to save both of us. I want to lea\u00adve the dun\u00adge\u00adon at once. But what can I do to give us some peace? \u201cWhen the time has come, you will hold a ritu\u00adal for both of you\u201c, I hear Hor say, \u201cnow to your second ques\u00adti\u00adon\u201d What \u2018second ques\u00adti\u00adon\u2019? I am still cap\u00adtu\u00adred by what I just saw. \u201cNow you know, whe\u00adre the fear of star\u00adva\u00adti\u00adon comes from and that it is very old. Fear of death is only defea\u00adted by the same, that is: \u2018Fear of death\u2019. Heal\u00ading works that way. But don\u2019t worry, you still have a task here. And remem\u00adber: We are the\u00adre, when you need us, more than you can imagine.\u201d<\/p>\n Then we\u2019re off on the time-beam to a wide green plain. A toothl\u00adess old far\u00admer comes out to greet me. He proud\u00adly pres\u00adents the tiny hut whe\u00adre he lives with his wife, a goat and some poul\u00adtry. The peri\u00adod is as hard to tell as the regi\u00adon, but the far\u00admer gives me a hint, tog\u00ade\u00adther with a big smi\u00adle: \u201cLife is simp\u00adle, when the tsar is far\u201d, he sta\u00adtes. \u201cWhat is it I can learn from you?\u201d, I ask. \u201cJust keep on loving\u201c, with this he grabs his woman by the hips and swirls her round, \u201clove, sing, and tend your ani\u00admals. All else will be seen to.\u201c What a message!<\/p>\n Befo\u00adre I can thank this won\u00adderful cou\u00adple, we are back in the blur of time hea\u00adding for yet ano\u00adther desti\u00adna\u00adti\u00adon. This time we have cle\u00adar\u00adly rea\u00adched the stone-age. A young woman with anci\u00adent eyes sits by the fire and feeds her baby. We are in North Afri\u00adca, at a time when the Saha\u00adra was still green. The young woman sings for her baby, and her mes\u00adsa\u00adge for me is: \u201cSing the holy heal\u00ading chants, for the dead and for the living, for man and beast\u201d. So far I know not\u00adhing of the\u00adse chants, but by now I feel sure that they will appear when the time is right. Exhaus\u00adted, but hap\u00adpy, I am final\u00adly allo\u00adwed to return to my lake ter\u00adrace. What an adven\u00adture. And the clock tells me, that again this jour\u00adney las\u00adted no more than fif\u00adteen minutes!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n After careful con\u00adside\u00adra\u00adti\u00adon, I now dare say, that what I begin to expe\u00adri\u00adence, inclu\u00adding the voices I hear and the enti\u00adties I feel or even see, don\u2019t inter\u00adfe\u00adre with my ever\u00ady\u00adday life. And they cer\u00adtain\u00adly don\u2019t harm me in any way. On the con\u00adtra\u00adry: I can even app\u00adly tho\u00adse skills I my job as I now sen\u00adse, when a cor\u00adrec\u00adtion of some rou\u00adti\u00adne is neces\u00adsa\u00adry. And, what\u2018s more, I bet\u00adter than ever mana\u00adge to con\u00advin\u00adce my boss of new ide\u00adas; ide\u00adas he can then pre\u00adsent as his. Sin\u00adce my ego is dis\u00adtrac\u00adted by ple\u00adnty of other things, I have no objec\u00adtion against his \u2018iden\u00adti\u00adfi\u00adca\u00adti\u00adon\u2019 with my ide\u00adas. If it helps to implant them, I have no objec\u00adtion. Ever\u00ady\u00adthing now seems much easier than only months ago. Suc\u00adcess comes effort\u00adless, and brings with it gro\u00adwing respect and more free\u00addom. Free\u00addom that I can use to deve\u00adlop my atten\u00adti\u00adve\u00adness towards that other world even fur\u00adther. My com\u00adpa\u00adn\u00adions help me with my dai\u00adly rou\u00adti\u00adne by enhan\u00adcing it, let\u00adting it appear more joyful, which has a posi\u00adti\u00adve effect also on my effi\u00adci\u00aden\u00adcy. And what impres\u00adses me most: Their means are wis\u00addom, ten\u00adder\u00adness and humor. When I am allo\u00adwed to see through their eyes, all the com\u00adpe\u00adti\u00adti\u00adve\u00adness and jea\u00adlou\u00adsy of ever\u00ady\u00adday-life seem so vain. Like when they invi\u00adte me to walk in the shoes of my boss, and I am sud\u00adden\u00adly able to feel the pres\u00adsu\u00adre, under which he lives, his lon\u00adging for respect and some kind of secu\u00adri\u00adty. Then I rea\u00adli\u00adze that I am not so far away from him as I used to belie\u00adve. That makes me sof\u00adter, more leni\u00adent towards him \u2013 and mys\u00adelf. Again and again they invi\u00adte me to laugh about mys\u00adelf and accept my weak\u00adne\u00ads\u00adses as lovin\u00adg\u00adly as they do.<\/p>\n In return, I open up to them more and more and wri\u00adte down, what I recei\u00adve from them. I give and take, and what a gain for my life this is! Sin\u00adce my encoun\u00adter with the wolf, I have a gro\u00adwing fee\u00adling, that more and more often I tend to be at the right place at the right time. The right books find me tog\u00ade\u00adther with other direc\u00adtions that I need at that very moment. May\u00adbe becau\u00adse my life has final\u00adly been given direc\u00adtion in accordance with my soul. Now I know, how hap\u00adpi\u00adness feels, or should I call it bliss?<\/p>\n (\u2026)<\/p>\n Today all seems dark and meanin\u00adg\u00adless. The dim mor\u00adning-light is no invi\u00adta\u00adti\u00adon to get up and start the day. Even the crows can\u2019t brigh\u00adten me up. Their craw sounds like quar\u00adrel\u00adling in my ears. I am sure this is only my thin\u00adking, and apo\u00adlo\u00adgi\u00adze to the crows. I can lite\u00adral\u00adly sen\u00adse the nega\u00adti\u00advi\u00adty I emit today. At least I want to try and see my com\u00adpa\u00adn\u00adions. But I find it so hard to focus on my jour\u00adney today. My head seems like a bee-hive!<\/p>\n Then I noti\u00adce black fea\u00adthers slow\u00adly stro\u00adking my face. My love\u00adly raven is hel\u00adping me to focus. Final\u00adly I\u2019m the\u00adre. The raven comes to take me to the \u2018upper world\u2019. But in the midd\u00adle of the black tun\u00adnel, I panic and insist to go back. Once again I inter\u00adrupt a jour\u00adney. Sin\u00adce my nega\u00adti\u00adve ener\u00adgy obvious\u00adly mana\u00adged to extin\u00adgu\u00adish the light, I ought to be able to con\u00advin\u00adce it to shi\u00adne again, once I invest the same amount of posi\u00adti\u00adve ener\u00adgy, shouldn\u2019t I? This is the pur\u00adpo\u00adse of my next jour\u00adney. Again, the raven takes me up, whe\u00adre at first I can see not\u00adhing. But I can hear a fri\u00adend\u00adly male voice behind me, and have the fee\u00adling that this is a new tea\u00adcher. He doesn\u2019t hesi\u00adta\u00adte to intro\u00addu\u00adce hims\u00adelf as Mahin\u00adda. I am a litt\u00adle dis\u00adap\u00adpoin\u00adted, as his ung\u00adlamo\u00adrous looks don\u2019t quite match his deep voice. Mahin\u00adda is a stout litt\u00adle, bald hea\u00added Bud\u00addhist monk wea\u00adring the typi\u00adcal oran\u00adge atti\u00adre. It is his laug\u00adhing eyes that instant\u00adly warm me up towards him. He seems exact\u00adly the right per\u00adson to ask my ques\u00adti\u00adon to: \u201cMahin\u00adda, how can I streng\u00adthen and puri\u00adfy my ener\u00adgy in order to get the lamp to burn again?\u201d Fair enough that this is not a life or death mat\u00adter, as I do not know yet, whe\u00adther I can trust him. \u201eThe lamp is your tea\u00adcher. It will teach you pati\u00adence and endu\u00adrance \u2014 and trust. But you should rea\u00adli\u00adze that this lamp can only start bur\u00adning again, if you don\u2019t want it to burn and your ego won\u2019t tri\u00adumph over your suc\u00adcess. You are quite good, but two things ren\u00adder it dif\u00adfi\u00adcult for you: Your impa\u00adti\u00adence and your arro\u00adgan\u00adce. Arro\u00adgan\u00adce is a tra\u00adves\u00adty of con\u00adfi\u00addence. It is a sur\u00adro\u00adga\u00adte, a mask. Arro\u00adgan\u00adce comes from the ego, while con\u00adfi\u00addence comes from the heart and is rela\u00adted to a basic trust that is the oppo\u00adsi\u00adte of ego. Try to know the dif\u00adfe\u00adrence and learn how to be pati\u00adent.\u201d \u2013 \u201cHow do I know the dif\u00adfe\u00adrence?\u201d, I inqui\u00adre. \u201cArro\u00adgan\u00adce is weak. It needs ever more pro\u00adof of its gran\u00addeur, only to then exag\u00adge\u00adra\u00adte it, whe\u00adre\u00adas true con\u00adfi\u00addence needs no pro\u00adof at all.\u201d I rea\u00adli\u00adze that Juli\u00adan, Hor and Int\u00adschi make room for Mahin\u00adda in the half-cir\u00adcle of their coun\u00adsel. That means I can pro\u00adba\u00adb\u00adly trust this new tea\u00adcher. And what he says, does seem to make sen\u00adse. So now I will gather my skills of trust and faith and medi\u00adta\u00adte in front of the lamp until it burns again. I see this as my first shama\u00adnic task in the prac\u00adti\u00adcal world. I won\u00adder how I will do as a magician\u2019s apprentice\u2026<\/p>\n Now ist he gre\u00adat moment: I final\u00adly turn on the light. Not\u00adhing. The bath\u00adroom remains in dark\u00adness. But why? Didn\u2019t Mahin\u00adda tell me to do it this way? I feel tri\u00adcked by this new tea\u00adcher. It is all his doing. I find it rather unpro\u00adfes\u00adsio\u00adnal for a tea\u00adcher to let his stu\u00addent fail his very first test! And so unfair! As an act of rebel\u00adli\u00adon, I will, rather un-shaman-like, call an elec\u00adtri\u00adci\u00adan. And guess what hap\u00adpens? He sim\u00adply chan\u00adges the fuse in the lamp, and very unce\u00adre\u00admo\u00adnious\u00adly, it starts bur\u00adning again. \u201cSee, Mahin\u00adda, It\u2019s as simp\u00adle as that! What do you say now, you cle\u00adver monk?\u201d<\/p>\n On my next jour\u00adney I want to know the mea\u00adning of this unwor\u00adt\u00adhy cha\u00adra\u00adde! Juli\u00adan, Hor and Int\u00adschi are pre\u00adsent, and Mahin\u00adda is the\u00adre, too. All four of them seem to have the time of their lives, laug\u00adhing their heads off. \u201cWhy are you so angry\u201d, Mahin\u00adda final\u00adly blurts out, \u201cyou did an excel\u00adlent job. The lamp is bur\u00adning again, isn\u2019t it?\u201d \u2013 \u201eRight, but what about my spi\u00adri\u00adtu\u00adal task?\u201d \u2013 \u201cThis, too, you mas\u00adte\u00adred expert\u00adly\u201d \u2013 \u201cHow that?\u201d \u2013 \u201cYou tried over and over again.\u201d \u2013 \u201cBut to no avail!\u201d, I retor\u00adted. \u201cOn the con\u00adtra\u00adry, with gre\u00adat avail: Now the lamp is bur\u00adning, and so are you!\u201d<\/p>\n (\u2026)<\/p>\n I can\u00adnot con\u00adcen\u00adtra\u00adte on my work today. The\u00adre is such an unre\u00adal, oran\u00adge light out\u00adside, and there\u2019s a soft warm wind coming from the south. I\u2019ve never seen any\u00adthing like it around here before.<\/p>\n <\/p>\nIn fifteen minutes around the world<\/h3>\n
![\"20140103_180756\"](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/20140103_180756-300x225.jpg\")
A fur\u00adther jour\u00adney to the \u201aupper world\u2018 leads me to a moun\u00adtain river, whe\u00adre an old, Indi\u00adan loo\u00adking woman seems to be tal\u00adking to hers\u00adelf. I take my time wat\u00adching, befo\u00adre I speak to her. \u201cMay I ask, what you are doing the\u00adre?\u201d, I inqui\u00adre respectful\u00adly. She slow\u00adly focu\u00adses on me the same way she had focu\u00adsed on the river. Hers is a warm, atten\u00adti\u00adve gaze. After a while she repli\u00ades, that she lis\u00adtens to the peb\u00adbles and the sto\u00adries they have to tell. Again, she gazes at me intent\u00adly. \u201cYou, too, are a stone-tel\u00adler\u201d, she decla\u00adres, \u201eThis is your task in the crys\u00adtal realm. Lea\u00adve the pre\u00adcious stones and begin with ordi\u00adna\u00adry peb\u00adbles and cob\u00adble-stones. You like coll\u00adec\u00adting them, don\u2019t you? They can\u2019t wait to talk to you. You will lis\u00adten to them and wri\u00adte down their sto\u00adries. You can pick them up and take them home, when you have asked their per\u00admis\u00adsi\u00adon. Thank you for coming!\u201c<\/p>\nThe fuse<\/h3>\n
![\"20131230_162221\"](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/20131230_162221-e1394546032878-225x300.jpg\")
Whe\u00adre has all my trust gone? I deci\u00adde to do what I always do when I feel low, that is taking a bath. may\u00adbe rea\u00adding some maga\u00adzi\u00adne will dis\u00adtract me from my gloo\u00admy thoughts. Yet even here, in my bel\u00adoved bath-tub, the light is gla\u00adring into my face not hel\u00adping me much with my rea\u00adding. As if to ans\u00adwer my thoughts, the light goes out wit\u00adhout war\u00adning, and I sit in the dark. Now I am real\u00adly angry, as I have to dry mys\u00adelf, get out and find some cand\u00adles. The gene\u00adral fuse seems to be int\u00adact, sin\u00adce there\u2019s light in the kit\u00adchen. Angry as I am, I dis\u00adcon\u00adnect the bath\u00adroom lamp, screw it down from the wall imme\u00addia\u00adte\u00adly and try to fix it. I put it back to the wall, but it remains to be dark. What is this sup\u00adpo\u00adsed to teach me?<\/p>\n![\"20131230_162244\"](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/20131230_162244-e1394546300638-225x300.jpg\")
The last cou\u00adple of days I have done regu\u00adlar \u2018sit\u00adtings\u2019 in front of the bath\u00adroom-lamp in order to con\u00advin\u00adce it to burn again. No, wrong, I tried to con\u00advin\u00adce mys\u00adelf of my not wan\u00adting the lamp to burn again. I tried to bestow the lamp with unin\u00adten\u00adtio\u00adnal love. But I didn\u2019t yet dare to turn on the light. I am too afraid of being defea\u00adted. At the same time I was hap\u00adpy that no one wat\u00adched my stran\u00adge endea\u00advor, doubting my men\u00adtal health after all.<\/p>\n![\"20131230_153306\"](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/20131230_1533061-300x225.jpg\")
<\/p>\nInto the Desert<\/h3>\n
![\"DSCF2105\"](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/DSCF2105-300x223.jpg\")
Today I feel fat and ugly, and the only thing I can think of, that could make me feel bet\u00adter is ever more cho\u00adco\u00adla\u00adte. So I choo\u00adse this as my journey\u2019s pur\u00adpo\u00adse: \u201cHow can I love mys\u00adelf bet\u00adter, so that I won\u2019t need so much cho\u00adco\u00adla\u00adte to com\u00adpen\u00adsa\u00adte?\u201d As usu\u00adal, the raven coll\u00adects me at the lake-ter\u00adrace. Tog\u00ade\u00adther we fly to a small town on the edge of the gre\u00adat desert. We sett\u00adle down next to a group of ori\u00aden\u00adtal women in colorful clot\u00adhing. They invi\u00adte me to join their bathing ritu\u00adal. When they und\u00adress, I rea\u00adli\u00adze to my delight, that tho\u00adse women are at least as volup\u00adtuous as I am. Yet they cele\u00adbra\u00adte their sump\u00adtuous fle\u00adsh with such sen\u00adsua\u00adli\u00adty, that it is delightful to watch. \u201cThe\u00adre you see pure beau\u00adty\u201d, the raven sta\u00adtes, \u201cit takes cou\u00adra\u00adge to see. You must know that you are beau\u00adtiful as you are. Then pon\u00adde\u00adring your appearance won\u2019t keep you from more important mat\u00adters. In the desert, we will encoun\u00adter much more important things. Then the ques\u00adti\u00adon of your appearance won\u2019t mat\u00adter any lon\u00adger.\u201d What does the raven mean by in the desert?<\/p>\n![\"DSCF2270\"](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/DSCF22701-300x223.jpg\")
In the news today they said, the red light was cau\u00adsed by a storm high up in the atmo\u00adsphe\u00adre, on which sand from the Saha\u00adra tra\u00advel\u00adled across the sea and the Alps as far as Nor\u00adt\u00adhern Euro\u00adpe. Peo\u00adp\u00adle repor\u00adted on air that in the mor\u00adning their cars had been cover\u00aded with a thin lay\u00ader of red dust. Later I find an email in my mail\u00adbox. Fio\u00adna is for\u00adwar\u00adding me an offer of a desert-camel-tour with a Shaman from South Ame\u00adri\u00adca, cal\u00adled Ana. She stron\u00adgly advi\u00adses me to go. Well, let\u2019s see, whe\u00adther there\u2019s time and if there\u2019s still a place for me. I almost hope not. But when I call them, they just had a can\u00adcel\u00adla\u00adti\u00adon, and I could take her place. \u2013 \u201eJuli\u00adan\u201d, I ask, \u201cshall I tra\u00advel to the desert?\u201c \u2013 The ans\u00adwer is \u201eYes\u201d!<\/p>\n![\"eidechse\"](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/eidechse-300x215.png\")
My fur\u00adther jour\u00adney brings me to the Saha\u00adra desert and the Ama\u00adzon jungle. But the grea\u00adtest adven\u00adture remains to be ever\u00ady\u00adday life\u2026<\/p>\n![\"dschungel\"](\"https:\/\/ravena-wolf.de\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/dschungel-300x215.png\")
If you still want to read more, plea\u00adse cont\u00adact me<\/a>.<\/p>\n